Religion & Spirituality

Below are a variety of religious and spiritual humor, hopefully enlightened….

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The Buddhist walked up to the New York City hot dog vendor and ordered a veggie hot dog. The vendor asked how he wanted it, and he answered, “Make me one with everything!”

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The Buddhist gets his hot dog and pays with a $20 bill. The vendor takes the money and goes on to the next customer. The Buddhist asks, “What about my change?” The vendor answered, “Change must come from within!”

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HOW ENLIGHTENED ARE YOU?

IF….

If you can live without caffeine,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him or her,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,

Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!

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Once Satan and his demon sidekick were walking down the street, closely watching a man 20 yards ahead who was on the verge of realizing the Supreme Truth. The demon grew worried, and began to nudge Satan, but Satan looked quite calm. Sure enough, the man did, in fact, soon realize the deepest spiritual Truth. Yet Satan still did nothing about it. With this, the demon nudged Satan harder and, getting no response, finally blurted out, “Satan! Don’t you see? That man has realized the Truth! And yet you are doing nothing to stop him!” With that, Satan cunningly smiled and announced, “Yes, he has realized the Truth. And now I am going to help him organize the Truth!”

(–story heard years ago from Indian sage Jiddu Krishnamurti)

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“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.” — George Burns

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One Buddhist monk leaned over to another and quietly asked, “Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?”

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“God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.”  — Voltaire

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“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.”  — Butch Hancock

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Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A: A man who is at two with the universe

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Q: How much “ego” do you need?
A: Just enough so that you don’t step in front of a bus.
–Shunryu Suzuki

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A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago”.
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew their art. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to where one little girl was working diligently, the teacher asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But honey, no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had posted a note on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

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Two men meet on the street: “How are you?” one asks. The other replies: “I’m fine, thanks.” “And how’s your son? Is he still unemployed?” “Yes, he is. But he is meditating now.” “Meditating? What’s that?” “I don’t know. But it’s better than sitting around doing nothing!”

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Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

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An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls her father immediately and yells, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re both coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.”

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