Pun-ishing Puns Page

Following are some awesome puns. We hope they are not too punishing or punitive! 

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Did you hear about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic? The insomniac dyslexic agnostic who laid awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog….

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Do you know what the Zen Buddhist said to the New York hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!

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Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

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Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron,” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him …A super callused fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

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I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

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Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

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I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next poop could spell disaster.

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I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

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“Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

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What’s the best way to make pants last? Make the jacket first.

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Two men were on a boat and wanted to smoke, but they didn’t have anything to light their cigarettes, so they threw a cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter.

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A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

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I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

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People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi Doo.

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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

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Why do some couples not go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.

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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

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My time machine and I go way back.

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

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Be kind to your dentist. She has fillings, too.

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My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

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A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

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A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces “I’m lookin’ fer the man who shot my paw.

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Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

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I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting. I wonder what she’s up to now.

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I’m taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.

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I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

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I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

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When I finally worked out the secret to cloning, I was beside myself.

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What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

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I love Switzerland. I’m not sure what the best thing about it is, but their flag is a big plus.

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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

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I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

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A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

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My dad never loved me as a child. I can’t blame him really. I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

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Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

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A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

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Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married. The wedding ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

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Why can’t a bicycle stand up on its own? Because it is two tired.

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On the other hand, you have different fingers.

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A new type of broom has come out. It is sweeping the nation.

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Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

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The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

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My mom just found out that I’ve replaced her bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

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On the other hand, you have different fingers.

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The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

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She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

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No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

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Is an eye doctor on an Alaskan island an optical Aleutian?

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The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

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A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

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A man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

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What grows up while growing down? A goose.

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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

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Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head”.

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Can February March? No, but April May.

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I could tell you a joke about rubber bands, but it would be a bit of a stretch.

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What type of shoes do spies wear? Sneakers.

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Smaller babies are always delivered by stork, the larger ones by crane.

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Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty crooks.

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Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

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How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!

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So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!

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I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something!

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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera!

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I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.

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My reality check just bounced.

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