Philosophy Jokes

I joke, therefore I am….
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.  The Second Law of Philosophy: They’re both wrong.

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I passed my ethics exam. Of course I cheated.

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Descartes goes into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. He finishes his beer, and the bartender says, “Descartes, would you like another?” Descartes responds, “I think not” and POOF! he disappears.

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The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as to seem not worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.
Bertrand Russell, Science and Religion

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every applicable thing you’ve learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.”

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn’t exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades…and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: “What chair?”

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A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, “Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?”

“That is an extremely simple question,” he responded. “So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.”

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When Plato first met Socrates,

Plato: “Why don’t you ever have a girlfriend?”

Socrates: “You ask too many questions.”

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes.”

“And what do you infer from these stars?”

“Well, a number of things,” he says, lighting his pipe:

Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear.

Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant.

What about you, Holmes?”

“Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!”

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Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.

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Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to observe how the lightbulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.

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Q: How many marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

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