His Best Trick
“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.
“He’s a magician, Ma’am,” said the new boy.
“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”
“He saws people in half.”
“Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”
“One half brother and two half sisters.”
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
The Magician and the Parrot
A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot. Every night the parrot would watch as the magician made things appear and disappear.
One night in the middle of the magician’s performance, the ship hit an iceberg. Miraculously, everyone got into lifeboats and safely away from the sinking ship. The magician, fortunately, had been able to save his beloved parrot.
The stunned passengers and crew watched from the lifeboats as the ship slowly sank out of sight. There was complete silence.
After a long time, over the waves the parrot’s voice could be heard, “All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
For a time, Harry Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
The magician who loved his chocolate could perform a lot of Twix.
The other day I saw a magician walk down the street and turn into a drugstore.
Q: When is a magician not a magician?
A: When he turns into a driveway!
Q: What did the prince say after the witch turned him into a frog?
A: Ribbet! Ribbet!
The local witch once threatened to turn me into a toad, but she changed her mind. She said no one would notice anyway!
Sign outside a witch’s store: “Witch’s parking only! All others will be toad!”
A Rabbit Joke
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “‘Hair Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.”
When I was a child my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said “A Magician”. She said, “You can’t do both”.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about two miles north of the PA/MD state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket.
The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out, and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there’s no way I can pass that test!”
Presto the Magic Rabbit
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the magician neighbor’s performing rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the magician is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the magician’s house, hoping he will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the magician is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Presto my magic rabbit died?”. The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”.
The magician replies, “I just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after I buried him I went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”
The story of a very short man
A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots.” Bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks “He can drink?”
“Oh, sure. He can drink.”
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
“That’s amazing” says the bartender. “What else can he do, can he walk?”
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Jake. Go get that.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?”
The man says “Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor’s powers!”
My therapist suggested I tell my wife about my magic trick addiction by writing her a letter I just can’t pick up the Penn and Teller
I was fired from my job as a children’s magician today… Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them re-appear.