Irish Jokes

Two Old Friends Meet in a Bar

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course,” comes the reply.

The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second m

The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”

“Of Course,” replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’65.”

“This is unbelievable!,” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’65, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?,” he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

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Seamus’ Obit

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.

In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: “Did you see the paper?! “They say I died!”

The friend replies: “Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?”

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The VERY Quickest Way to Cork

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Billy replies: “In the car.”

“Well that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy.

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What Paudie Has

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

Paudie explains: “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman asks: “What do you have?”

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”

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Aer Lingus

A Kerryman rang Aer Lingus and asked how long it took to fly from Dublin to London.

“Just a minute sir,” said the girl on the desk.

“Thank you,” said the Kerryman and hung up.

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The Latest Kerryman Joke

A fellow walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Kerryman joke.

“I’m warning you,” said the barman, “I’m a Kerryman myself.”

“That’s allright,” said the fellow, “I’ll tell it slowly.”

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Taking Phone Calls

A man hired a Kerryman as an assistant to take phone calls. One day the phone rang and when the Kerryman answered he hung up immediately.

“Who was that?” asked his boss.

“Some fool saying it was a long distance from New York. I told him everybody knew that.”

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Tunnel Tiger

An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Englishman is thinking “Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.”

The girl is thinking, “That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped.”

The Irishman is thinking, “If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!

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The Texan’s Bet

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

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To Find a Parking Space

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”

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3 Wishes

Jimmy-Joe finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks “Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like”

Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers “A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. “Granted master” retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.

He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. “Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?” “You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle” he asks the Genies. “Well, for my final two wishes, I’d like another two of them”

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Really Bad News

Dr O’Mahony tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news, John.”

“Oh dear,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies: “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible,” says the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

Dr O’Mahony replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

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We’re Having a Baby!

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. “Quick!” He said. “Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!”

“Tell me, is this her first baby?” the intern asked.

“No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.”

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Irishman’s All Nighter

An irshman’s been drinking a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls on his face.

So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home, and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and into his bedroom.  When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.  He awakens the next morning to find his wife standing over, him shouting at him.

“So you’ve been drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?”  He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

“The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again!”

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Just a Question

An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?

“Who told you that?” asked Paddy.

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The Mouse on the Barroom Floor

Some Guinness was spilled on the barroom floor
when the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor,
then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar,
‘Bring on the goddam cat!’

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Which Way to Balbriggan?

Paddy stopped cutting the hedge as the big car drew up beside him and an English visitor enquired,

“Could you tell me the way to Balbriggan, Please?”
Paddy wiped his brow.

“Certainly, sor. If you take the first road to the left? no still that wouldn’t do? drive on for about four miles then turn left at the crossroads? no that wouldn’t do either.”
Paddy scratched his head thoughtfully.

“You know, sor, if I was going to Balbriggan I wouldn’t start from here at all.”

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Good to the Last Drop!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub.  They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.  Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!”

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Paddy Murphy Loses $500

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife.. Who will it be?’ They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse ‘Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.’ Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, ‘Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.’ ‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife.. ‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.

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Bad Influence

Tell me, Patrick, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?” asked the parish priest.

“Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle.”

“But you were with Mick Mulligan, Sean O’Toole, and Peter Ryan and they don’t drink.”

“Dat’s what I mean, Father…”

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Donal Callaghan’s Experience

Donal Callaghan, a Limerick University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. Donal, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on

The car started moving slowly. Donal looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. Donal, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter Donal saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and…. wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like Donal, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing Donal Callaghan sobbing at the bar, one said to the other…

‘Look Paddy…..there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!’

3 Comments

  1. Anonymous said,

    September 24, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Ron my dad loved these. His brother sent them to him from Ireland. You have done a great job here

  2. sameena said,

    May 14, 2014 at 4:23 am

    thats funny haha

  3. fullonchat said,

    May 14, 2014 at 5:23 am

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