Classic Jokes and Stories

New Teacher

Retiring after 20 years, a United States Marine Corps gunnery sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around his upper torso. Fortunately the cast fit under his shirt & sport coat quite well and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the entire school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard that the new teacher was a retired Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would undoubtedly be testing his toughness and level of discipline immediately.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened a couple windows wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.

And the rest of the school year went very smoothly.

Semper Fi!

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Bad Bird?

David received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example…

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet.  Not a sound for half a minute.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior.  I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

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Big Jake’s Comin’

A fellow was driving across country on business.  He stopped for the night in a really small town.  He checked into the local motel and the went to the corner bar across the street.

He settled in for the evening with a bottle and a glass.  Just then, he heard someone shriek, “Everybody run for your lives! Big Jake’s comin’!” Instantly the establishment cleared, and the fellow was all alone.

Then he heard heavy steps.  BOOM! BOOM!   The door swung open and flew off it’s hinges.  There stood this huge bulk of a fellow who literally filled the doorway.  He walks across the room, and the floor shakes.  BOOM!  BOOM!

He sits down next to the fellow and says,  “Gimme a drink!” The man hands the big guy the bottle. The big guy drinks right from the bottle, draining it straight down, then he eats  the bottle.  The fellow is literally shaking in his  boots, and says, “S-S-S-Sir, would you care for another?” To which the big guy replied,

“Nope. I gotta go. Didn’t you hear??  Big Jake’s comin!!!!”

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The Pirate in the Bar

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a
peg leg, a hook and an eye patch. “How’d you end up
with a peg leg?” asks the sailor. “I was swept
overboard in a storm,” says the pirate. “A shark bit
off me whole leg.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about the hook?”

“We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other
sailors with swords. One of them cut me hand clean
off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “And the eye
patch?”

“A seagull dropping fell in me eye,” replied the
pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor
asked incredulously.

Said the pirate. “It was me first day with the hook.”

——————————

Failing Math

A ten-year-old boy was failing math.  His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.  Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school, even though they themselves were non-religious.

After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.  He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.  For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math, books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor.  He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card.  The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.  Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red ‘A’ under the subject of Math.  Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

“Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked.  The boy shook his head and said “No.”  “Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?”  “No.” “The textbooks?  The teachers?  The curriculum?”

“No”, said the son.  “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

——————————

Parachuting Over New Jersey

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hitch-hiking hippie. Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment and the passenger cabin was boiling with smoke.

The cockpit door opened and the pilot burst into the cabin.  ‘Gentlemen,’ he began, ‘I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!’ With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. ‘Gentlemen,’ he said, ‘I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world’s greatest athlete should have a parachute!’ With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes and hurtled through the door out into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, ‘Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world’s smartest man should have a parachute too.’ He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. ‘My son,’ he said, ‘I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.’

The hippie smiled slowly and said, ‘Hey, don’t worry Pop. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack!’

——————————

Bubba Knows Everyone

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know.  Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. ”

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you!  You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical.  After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.

“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”

And off they go.  At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.  “The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Bubba.  “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome.  Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people.  Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.  Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?'”

——————————

All in How You Look At It

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.  Still, he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

“I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away.”

The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.  The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on.  The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor’s office and before he could say a word, the boss said, “You’re fired!”

“Fired?” he asked in total surprise. “Why?  What did I do?”

“It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you’re fired.”

“Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard.”

“Oh, really,” the boss answered. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?”

——————————

The Maid Wants a Raise

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban did.”

Wife, increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora….the gardener did.”

Wife: “So, how much do you want?”

——————————

GRANDFATHER of THE YEAR!!

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming …for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

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