Humor

Welcome to my humor section.  These are jokes and stories I have collected over the years.  Some have not been updated, as you can tell from the fact that President Clinton appears from time to time (and not always as the punch line, either!)  But these are, in my estimation, some of the best (and some of you will think, the worst) that I have heard.

For those who are allergic to puns and groaners, I suggest you start with the general humor below and then move on to the classic tales.  (Those are bad enough…. 😉 ) Then move on to the punishing puns and themes.

Have fun!

 

When you ask a dumb question
“I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Walmart and standing in line at the check out.

“A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

“On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

“I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

“I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

“Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s ass and a car hit me.

“I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.”

 

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